what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
