I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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