It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
