my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
