Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
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I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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