I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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