no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
