Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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