so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
