you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
