hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
