fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
