What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
