R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
