Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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