I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
