I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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