i permit you to call me
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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