I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
