Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
That was before I lit my hair on fire
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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