No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
