Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
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