I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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