He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
