The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
