I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
