I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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