The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
