..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
