you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
