Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
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It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
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I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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