My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
This toilet bowl is my home.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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