when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
