Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
