when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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