i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
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Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof