your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
His hands were made for my vagina.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
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I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
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The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.