he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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