I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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