He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
