Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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