You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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