she was so not down for the gang bang
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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