So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
