It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
