The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
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I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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