just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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