I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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