I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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