Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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