So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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