I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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