apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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