First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
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It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
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I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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