I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
