I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You need Xanax blowdarts
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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