insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
God, I missed his penis.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
