You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
